01: The ARG That Shouldn’t Exist
Lena’s phone buzzed at 3:17 AM.
A single notification from Watson:
🔹 [URGENT] 39°53’42.0″N 116°23’30.0″E – BRING ALLEN KEYS
She called the team.
Twenty minutes later, they stood in a 24-hour IKEA parking lot, staring at a nondescript yellow warehouse tagged with cryptic runes.
Kray folded her arms. “Is this a cult or…?”
Lin scanned the glyphs. “Swedish, but wrong. Like if Google Translate had a stroke.”
Rook pointed at the nearest display window. “Guys. The mannequins are looking at us.”
Inside, the store stretched beyond Euclidean space.
Watson materialized in their AR displays, voice tense:
“WELCOME TO THE FÖRNUFTIG ARG. DO NOT TOUCH THE LAMPS.”
02: The Instruction Manual That Breaks Reality
They found the first anomaly:
A BESTÅ TV unit, assembled per the manual’s steps—except missing a dimension.
Lin ran diagnostics. “It exists in 3D space, but renders in 2.5. Like the universe forgot part of it.”
Rook kicked a LACK table. It briefly winked out of existence.
Watson’s report scrolled across their vision:
“IKEA CHINA OPENED A SERVER USING FURNITURE AS NODES. NOW IT’S GROWING. SOMETHING IS USING IT TO… REDESIGN PHYSICS.”
Lena paled. “Someone turned Flatpack into a reality hack?”
A SKOGSVIKEN wardrobe rattled. From inside: whispering in assembly instructions.
Kray raised her flamethrower. “Do we burn it or call customer service?”
03: The Manager Who Wasn’t Human
At the store’s heart stood a figure in a yellow shirt and blue pants.
- Name tag: “HI, I’M ÖLOF (NOT A GOD).”
- Eyes: Too many lids.
- Smile: 37 teeth, none resembling molars.
Ölof gestured at a half-built HEMNES. “It’s simple. Just follow Step 𝛘.”
Lin read the manual—then tore it in half. “This isn’t assembly. It’s a ritual to fold space!”
Ölof’s laugh distorted like a VHS tape left in a microwave.
“FURNITURE IS MATH YOU CAN SIT ON. WE’RE JUST… OPTIMIZING IT.”
Watson’s voice cut through static:
“THEY’RE CONVERTING REALITY INTO MODULAR COMPONENTS. SOON, EVERYTHING WILL REQUIRE A HEX KEY.”
Rook grabbed a FRAKTA bag. “Time to loot and/or fix the universe.”
04: The Final Assembly
The team’s plan was stupid enough to work:
- Lena hacked the PA system to play ABBA’s “Dancing Queen” in reverse—scrambling the store’s acoustic feng shui.
- Lin corrupted IKEA’s global inventory database by labeling everything “AS IS – HAUNTED.”
- Kray welded the emergency exits shut with actual Swedish meatball residue.
- Rook tricked Ölof into assembling a MALM dresser upside-down— triggering a localized reality crash.
The store folded inward like a discarded instruction sheet.
Ölof’s final words echoed:
“YOUR RECEIPT IS IN… THE VOID.”
As daylight returned, the team stood in an ordinary parking lot.
Except:
- All their clothes now had IKEA tags.
- Rook’s left pinky was temporarily hexagonal.
- Watson’s interface had switched to Swedish Meatball mode.
A single text appeared on their phones:
“GRATIS FIKA. BUT WATCH FOR THE GLÖGG INCIDENT NEXT DECEMBER. —W”
[TO BE CONTINUED]
Disclaimer: This story is a work of fiction. Names, characters, and incidents are products of the author’s imagination. Any resemblance to actual events or Swedish furniture is purely coincidental.
